Think Cottage Life: Ideas On How To Take Advantage Of A Slow Down

By Angèle Alain

This outbreak curve flattening strategy of social distancing is making many Ottawa families anxious and nervous about fighting off boredom. In my case, I’m revelling in the idea of a forced slowdown, a time to rest body and mind, build up immune systems and do so many things we never do because life is just too busy. This is how I suggest approaching the next few weeks. The odds are, we will remember this situation forever, why not create positive memories too.

Think cottage life. 

The cottage is usually where we naturally slow down. It’s where we play cards, dig out the yarn and knitting needles, crack open the Monopoly box (I prefer Cards Against Humanity, but that’s me) or bake something with wild raspberries. It’s where, on a rainy day, there’s nothing “usual” to do, so we give ourselves permission to help the kids build a fort with all those spare blankets. It’s where we watch old movies, read old magazines. 

So here is a list of things to do on your own or with your family:

• Play a board game or a video game as a group. Dig out the older ones for novelty;

• Finally get to sewing repairs;

• Marie Kondo the mess out of your house (declutter and donate);

• Pair down a collection and organise it: photos, books, records, etc.;

• Try knitting a scarf or neck warmer: it’s just a rectangle you sew both ends together;

• Dig out your childhood memory box and share with your kids;

• Colour in a colouring book: try with wood pencils, then with markers; 

• Find all that leftover cardboard and paper, or raid the recycling box to make crafts;

• Read that book you’ve been wanting to read or re-read;

• Play cards or build card castles;

• Organise your cupboards or your closets;

• Clean your windows and walls. It is almost spring, after all;

• Clean out the garage;

• Paint your walls or old furniture;

• Rearrange your furniture;

• Finally use those paints and canvases someone gave your kid;

• Bake creative cookies, muffins or bread with what’s in the cupboard or the freezer;

• Do a puzzle; 

• Make a model or a Lego-type kit;

• Cook with food that’s about to go bad and freeze it;

• Build a blanket and chair fort;

• Learn something new from a YouTube tutorial;

• Learn basic sentences in a new language (you will travel again!) or in sign language;

• Watch a film from your childhood with your children: The Breakfast Club, Gremlins, Close Encounter of the Third Kind, the original Ghostbusters, the list is endless;

• Finally put photos in the frames you bought and hang those frames;

• Write and mail someone a letter or make someone a handmade card;

• Try a science experiment, there are many easy instructions online;

• Play an instrument you have and you know how to play;

• Write a short story, a poem or a song;

• Dig out your favourite music from your teens and share it with your loved ones;

• Make music playlists on your platform of choice like you would mix-tapes (I showed my age there, didn’t I?)

• Try a new workout or yoga tutorial: there are some good ones on YouTube for small children like Cosmic Kids Star Wars;

• Follow nail, makeup and hair tutorials for fun;

• Play dress up and put on a fake Halloween party or fashion show;

• Go for walks with your animals. Try it with the cat too, it’s funny; 

• Go snowshoeing if there’s still snow.

I hope this list motivates you as much as it motivates me. I could have kept going but I think you get the idea.

Speak out: an ode to big mouths

I have a big mouth.

I always have something to say.

I suggest, offer, add, provide. I do it because I wish to help, motivate and inspire. It’s genuine, but I’m certain it annoys the crap out of many people, and often.

I do it for the same reason I became a teacher: to contribute. I hope that someday, a child will remember that teacher who told them they were ok, that they were doing just fine.

In my life, there are women, some strangers, who have had a very positive influence on me. They gave me what I needed at the exact time I needed it, when I didn’t even realize I needed it. I want to do for someone what they did for me.

They told me to trust my instincts

My friend and colleague Geneviève died of heart failure at age forty.  Although we didn’t see each other or speak much in the last few years of her life, there are many things she said to me when we worked together that still resonate with me. I remember calling her when my baby was a week old, exhausted because she was feeding all the time. Geneviève was a breastfeeding support person, yet she told me to give her a soother. When I asked her if that would be a bad idea in the long run, she said: “No one knows what’s best for your baby more that you do; you are her mother, after all.” She was very wise indeed.

They listened

A purple eyelid.

The summer my daughter was twenty months old, she sat in her car seat that was perched on the front step of our house. It was there because my husband was cleaning the car before we left on our trip. As my toddler sat in it, it tipped backwards, making her hit her forehead on a rock in the front garden. The one-inch gash on her eyebrow spewed blood faster than I could cope with. We rush to urgent care; I cried as I registered her and sat down in the waiting room. An older woman who was sitting in front of me, reached out and touched my hand. “Tell me what happened” she said. I cried harder, recollecting the events of the last half hour. In that moment, it was exactly what I needed to make sense of it all and help with the excruciating waiting time. Eleven years later, I remember what that stranger did for me.  

They showed kindness, not pity

Seven years ago, when I was undergoing chemotherapy for breast cancer, I got an infection. I was admitted to the hospital in one of those locked-away wards to protect people’s immune systems. I spent the weekend there, bored, but alive. When I was released on Monday morning, my husband and I had breakfast at Cora’s in Orleans. We sat at a table for two in the middle of the room, with two women sitting at the table beside us. I remember smiling as the server cut the hospital band from around my wrists. I also remember my table neighbour smiling at me. Although I looked sick, it wasn’t a sympathy or sorry smile that she offered, but an understanding smile. I think she understood how happy I was to have gotten the hell out of that ward. They left before we did, and when we went to pay, the server told us our bill had been paid. I don’t remember what they looked like, but I’ll always remember their act of kindness. If they had minded their own business, I wouldn't have that.

I often give myself grief for coming on too strong or for being too pushy. I’m sure I’m not alone. I’m working on holding back a bit, reminding myself that sometimes, the best way to contribute is to say nothing at all. But I also remember those women who made a difference in my life.

Don't be afraid to say or do something - to reach out a hand and listen; to say the hard truth; or to pay it forward. What you say to others, whether if be a friend, an acquaintance or even a stranger, may be that thing they remember forever.  

So don’t be too hard on your big mouth. I’m trying not to.

by Angèle Alain

Happy mother, happy child

“The best gift a mother can give her children is a happy mother”, I often hear myself say.

I’ll tell you up front: I am a happy mother. I take good care of myself. I feel no guilt, ever. And my child is a well rounded happy individual.

How is that possible?

Me - travelling solo

My mother was not a happy mother. She suffered from depression in a time when there were no antidepressants. She took “pills for her nerves”, sleeping pills and a lot of alcohol. Our existence as a family was tumultuous to say the least. And so, at age fourteen when she left, I told myself that if I ever had children I would be, if nothing else, a happy mother.

I realize now that she was sick and I am not, which makes it easier for me to be happy. However, that pact I made with myself as a teen has come in handy many times during the last twelve years of motherhood. Like a mantra, I would recite it to myself when times were hard. I have also used it with my friends, neighbours, coworkers and family members on numerous occasions to help them cope.

I realize that a big part of our unhappiness as mothers is rooted in guilt.

As women, are we naturally guilty creatures? Are we programmed that way? I would argue no. I would also argue that it's the women with a lot of resources available to them (supportive partners, friends, money etc.) that tend to feel the most guilt.

It IS possible to be the mother we want to be for our children and take care of ourselves at the same time - without feeling guilty!

Here is an incomplete list of things I do for myself without a drop of guilt. :

1. I take a bath every night

In fact, I have taken a bath every single night since my daughter was born. She has another parent, after all. If you do not have the support of the other parent, take a bath instead of doing the dishes. 

2. I don’t do chores all the time

The picture on the right is the current state of my sink. I’m waiting for the child to empty the dishwasher and this morning, instead of doing dishes, I wrote a blog post. The state of my kitchen doesn’t affect anyone’s life in the least.  

3. I go to the toilet alone 

She will survive for two minutes without me. (Disclaimer, the dog and the cat are exempt from this rule.)

4. I have hobbies

I’ve been to yoga and zumba classes, and gone curling and running, and get massages when I want to. Without her. She has another parent, after all; and now she's old enough to stay home alone.

5.  I go on trips without her

The first one was my honeymoon (New York) for three days when she was fourteen months. Then at age tree (London), and four (Dublin) and ten (Palm Springs) and eleven (Turks and Caicos) - all for one week each. Why not? When she eventually leaves home, my husband and I will be left behind, together. We might as well nurture that relationship before we become strangers. Plus, children benefit from healthy relationships with grandparents, uncles and aunts, neighbours and friends; and as a bonus, they have a blast. It’s a holiday for them too.

6.  I go shopping alone or with friends - without calling home

In fact, I’ve done this so much that I now have to beg her to come with me. She does, which makes me happy!

7.  I don’t always clean up after her

Shocking, I know. She can do it herself, and learning to be a disciplined human being is a great asset.

8.  I save my money

She can pay for the frivolous things she wants as she gets an allowance.

9.  I don’t share my treats

I got a box of Turtles for Christmas. And the same way I would not take her Halloween candy without asking, she would not take my treats without asking. Most of the time when she asked, I have said no. She survived.

10.  I don’t always serve her 

She is capable of getting her own glass of whatever (what she could do at what age varied, but kids are often more capable than we think.)

11.  I let her, and even ask her, to serve ME

I show her gratitude, of course.

12.   I read undisturbed

Sometimes with a glass of wine and in front of a fire! She has another parent, after all.

13.  She occupies herself

I don’t always play with her or organize her a playdate, and I didn’t even do that when she was little. She learned to occupy herself, and now she loves and even needs her alone time.

14.   I sometimes watch what I want on the television, even when she is awake 

I've watched my share of Max and Ruby and Phineas and Ferb episodes to last two lifetimes. She can go do something else.

15. I do date nights

I go out alone with my husband all the time! My daughter goes to friend’s house and has a good time. We started this when she was three years old.

Are you gasping? I promise you, I feel no guilt.

I don't know if I've always been like this. I often had to take care of myself as a child, or maybe I taught myself that I am worth my own time.  Nevertheless, my daughter is smiling most of the time! She is happy.

You might wonder if I dislike my child or if being a mum is not something I particularly like. That could be, but no. I would spend every minute of every day with her. I often do, actually. I have always loved being her mother, even when I wanted to throw her out the window (can I say that?) My husband and I love having her around and we prefer a trip with her than without her. 

You might also think you can’t do any of these things because you have lots of children. Well, your children have another parent too. He or she can manage without you; they have a right to. They might even surprise you with their abilities. You have to remind yourself that he will do it differently. My husband and I joke that if I die, my kid will be dirty but well fed, and if he dies, she will be clean but malnourished. In fact, I once came back on a late Sunday afternoon from a weekend away and my kid was sitting in front of the television with her father, still in her pajamas. Her teeth and hair looked like they hadn't been brushed in days. Yet, she had this wonderfully goofy smile on her face. I guess she had enjoyed her break from me, too.

And remember, your children also have grandparents, aunts and uncles and friends who are just waiting for you to ask them to enjoy your children’s company, even for an hour or two.

Trust me- you are worth it, your child is worth it, and your family is worth it. Without the guilt.

by Angèle Alain

Child misbehaviour and parent bashing: The case of the exhausted parent

by Angèle Alain

There has been many, many articles circulating online lately about how this generation of school aged children is the worst there has even been; that the parents of those children (I am in this category, as my child is twelve) are failing at parenting for a million different reasons, generally revolving around lenience, electronics and lack of time.

As a teacher, being around some groups of kids can be a challenge, but I wouldn’t say that all children have parents who are failing. In fact, the majority of students are polite, helpful, hard working and pleasant. But even those students can be uprooted by an off kilter group dynamic; you can see it clearly in the classroom when one child eggs on another, and then it snowballs from there. 

I find it shocking to meet the parents of those disruptive children, because I have preconceived notions of what they will be like (e.g. the lazy coddlers we keep hearing about in those articles) We have a tendency to judge other parents - maybe it’s because we are all performing the "fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants parenting" and feel inadequate most of the time. We unintentionally try to lift ourselves up by bringing other parents down. But the parents of the disruptive child are usually regular, every day, trying-as-hard-as-they-can parents. They are our friends, our family, our neighbours and our coworkers.

So why does it seem like we struggle at raising our children?

I think a big part of it is time and energy. Society dictates the speed at which we live. We are expected to leave for work at eight in the morning and not come back before six in the evening; we bring work home; we barely get three weeks of holidays a year; and we over-book our evenings and weekends with extracurricular activities. Of course, if we do this because we love our job or love those activities, it’s all good.

But for many of us, is it really what we want? I hear so many people I know talking about working four days a week, taking unpaid leave, or cutting back on activities. Yet they struggle with the decision. Money, pensions and oddly, judgement from others, are often the reasons for not making the change.

After taking the leap myself, I always have comebacks:

My salary will go down: You will hardly notice up to a 20% reduction.

It will affect my pension: You might not even live to get to retire (it's true, and I know from experience. Sadly, my friend who use to talk about "fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants" motherhood died at 40 of heart failure)

People will judge: Will people judge or are you judging yourself based on a definition of success you've created?

My kid deserves these activities: Of course they do, but do they need to do three different ones in the same semester?

Unfortunately, I had to learn all of this the hard way. At age thirty-five, I was diagnosed with cancer. My child was five years old. When I went back to work after a year of surgeries and chemotherapy, I could no longer keep up with life’s speed. I burned out after a year, went back to school part time and quit my job two years later. Now I work three days a week at most. My salary is smaller, my pension was affected and maybe people did judge. Yet, it was the best decision of my life.

Cancer isn’t a gift, it’s a disease. But it was also a great teacher. It taught me all I needed to know about this one life I get, and how slow I want it to go by.

Back to our children’s behaviour

My sense is that many of us are simply exhausted; too exhausted to stick to what we know we should do as parents. When our kids act out at night, when they want this or refuse to do that (another hour on the computer; not doing that chore or going outside; refusing to eat their meal or go to bed) we are too tired to fight them on it. We pick the battles we feel we can win or that we feel are worth fighting: “I know it’s better for you to go play outside than watch more videos, but you are not cooperating and I can’t deal with a scene”. Let’s face it, it’s so much easier to give in than to hold our own with them, isn’t it? My twelve-year-old daughter, a very nice kid on most days, is a four-feet-eleven grouch when it comes to emptying the dishwasher. This is what it sounds like EVERY DAY in my house:

“I hate it, you do it!”

“I hate it too. I hate cleaning your clothes, and doing the dishes, and vacuuming. If you don’t do it, guess who will have to.” (a little guilt, I admit)

“Then daddy should do it.”

“Daddy fed us. It’s our job to clean up. You empty the dishwasher and I fill it and do the manual dishes. We are a family; we have family responsibilities.”

“I’ll do other chores then.”

“No, this is the one I need your help with”.

Grumbles, grunts, sighs and more grumbles. 

You are probably feeling tired just reading this. It would be so much easier for me to get up and do it myself. And I’m usually pretty good at persisting! Luckily, when I do cave, my husband holds tight and reminds me that she needs to learn. Thank god for that.

So if I feel this struggle every day, despite slowing down my life, I can only imagine what other parents are going through. It takes a village to raise a child and many members of this parent generation feel alone. Those parent-bashing article would be so much more useful if they could act as our village and offer help instead of casting blame, wouldn’t they? 

So here's my way of lending a hand to you - take a moment and consider how you might change the way you view success. How could you slow down on this highway of life long enough to get a little rest, find some energy, and stick to your guns when it comes to your children’s behaviour? Ultimately, we all know what we need to do, but on most days, we’re just trying to keep our heads above water. Here's your permission to stop treading water, and swim over to shore.

And remember - we may not be doing everything right, but we are getting a lot right.